At This Moment

I thought my growing curve had hit a plateau: I was wrong. I've been becoming more and more aware of how much a child I still really am, and at this moment it feels like I'm no where near being a mature adult, capable of having a mature relationship with another adult. It feels as though I always allow myself to be the child looking to the adult for reassurance and approval. And at this moment I am so ashamed of that, because I'll be 33 in a couple of months. And I know that realistically looking back over my life, I have been growing steadily, I've made huge progress from where I was even two years ago, and that I'm probably much more capable of maturity than it seems to me at this moment. But sometimes it just feels like I should be further along than I am, that I should be allowing that maturity to shine through.

It has also recently come to my awareness that as I grow, I am in imminent danger of loosing myself to the idea of what an adult "should be", instead of simply becoming more mature as myself. I'm not sure where my Inner Child, who I have finally learned to lovingly care for, fits into becoming an adult.

I'm reading Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway again. I never finished reading it the first time around, although a couple of weeks ago I did read through one of the later chapters ("Choosing Love And Trust"), and the author has a lot of good stuff to say about truly becoming a mature adult.

A new thought occurs to me: Maybe it's not so much about becoming more mature as it is about finding confidence in myself, even when I feel insecure. I've already discovered that when I feel insecure I step back into my old habits of being a child, being a victim. So if I can build new habits that support my self-confidence in instead of tearing it down at the times I feel insecure or afraid, then maturity will be a by-product of self-confidence. (Right?)

Feel the fear and do it anyway, Izzie.