Today was mostly Blah. Rehearsal with my new scene partner was fun, we played with the scene like a soap opera, like 5 year olds, like we were drunk. I'm feeling very comfortable connecting to and reacting off my scene partner, but I still haven't figured out a specific objective for myself yet. I can feel that I'm fighting for something, but if Carrie asks me what I'm fighting for, (which I'm sure she will) I don't know yet. Maybe I'll figure it out tomorrow morning.
So today was blah because I haven't found an objective yet, because I'm feeling pessimistic about my audition yesterday, because I've still got some residual stress about the whole situation with my previous About Last Night scene partner, and because I'm still exhausted from not sleeping much Tuesday night and getting up much earlier than I have been until now to rehearse with my partner in the morning before class.
Repetition in class felt really akward for me, I was distracted, in my head, guarding big time, unfocused. And yet several guys made passes at me today during repetition. At least I think that's what happened. One guy (who I have a crush on) said I had sex in my eyes. (I've got WHAT in my eyes?? I was so embarrassed.) Another guy, I called him on wanting to be home in bed, and he repeated, "Yeah, I want to be home in bed" and gave me a look. He saw that I caught the look and said, "You know what I'm saying." I repeated, then said, "You want me to say it." He agreed, "I want you to say it." I said, "I don't want to say it." Another guy, who I also think is cute, was looking at me like he knew something, and when I called him on that he said, "You're holding something back." ARG! I've already told him twice before during repetition that I think he's cute, and I didn't want to say it again. And then at the break, a friend from BCI sat next to me on the sofa in the lobby and cuddled on my shoulder, for the first time.
And I'm thinking what the hell brought all this on? Was I giving off signals today without realizing it? I know over the last few days of major stress I've really been wishing someone would hug me, but when I look at that thought more closely, I've really been wishing a guy would hug me, and the layer under that (which I've been avoiding acknowledging because it seems so far out of reach and it hurts) is I wish I had a boyfriend who cared deeply about me and would just hold me as long as I needed to be held. And maybe the guys were picking up on that, and since guys are guys, that got translated into sex for them?? (Or maybe if I did have a boyfriend, it would have translated into that for me?) I don't know. I just know I'm really uncomfortable with all of that because I have almost no experience, and I don't want a one night stand or friends with benefits, I want a sweet, strong, caring boyfriend I can depend on and trust. So that thought has been sent out into the Universe now. I give myself permission to be open to finding the guy I'm looking for. I give myself permission to be open to a romantic relationship. (Wow, does that scare me!)
4 comments:
From one actor to another,
i have done blue window as well, but lost my copy of the play, is there anyway you could email me libby's monologue? i can't believe i can't find it somewhere on the internet!!
If you would, that would be fantastic!
wewerebrainwashed@gmail.com
Someones got seriously strong pheremones!!!!
Go get those mens!
Perhaps you were exuding more self confidence. That's always what draws guys in the most. Or perhaps you're finally opening up to them and they're seeing the sweet, caring you that's in there. Either way, just do your best to have fun with it!
Hello, my dear cousin!
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate the support, but honestly, you have no idea how much I've grown through this process, how much of me everyone in class saw, (everyone saw how sweet & caring I was a looooong time ago), or that by the very nature of the repetition exercises meant the fact that I was not in a good place to participate in the repetitions on Thursday kind of prevented me from exuding self-confidence. I've had much more self-confidence on other days than I did in the repetitions on Thursday. If anything, I was much more vulnerable.
Anyhow, love you! Thanks again for your comment!
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