Thank you for your kind thoughts and your support! I appreciate them very much, it helps a lot. Each day I am doing better, and that is the difference between where I am now and where I was 8 years ago, it used to be something like that would de-rail me for months, but I'm doing so much better now, choosing to change my perspective and let things go more quickly. And knowing that other people care is huge, thank you thank you for your comments!
And Kat is right, I have been moving forward this whole time. Even if it may feel like I'm stuck because I don't have a lot of results manifesting yet, I need to remember that this whole time I have been learning and growing, setting goals for my self and taking the very first unsteady baby steps towards acheiving them. I will learn to walk, run, and fly, all in good time.
So my next challenge is: Tonight I am going to audition for the Conservatory Program at a local theater. I am nervous--(Feel the fear and do it anyways! Go, Izzie, go! Do it! Do it!)--I haven't completely settled on a monologue yet. I am teeter-tottering between the Life During Wartime monologue, which is the one that I feel comfortable with, that I connect with well, and that I understand what the monologue is communicating; and a monologue from a scene I did my last semester in the massage program. That monologue is from Win/Lose/Draw: Final Placement. I'm still not sure that I completely understand the character, or that I am bringing her fully or appropriately to life. And there-in lies the fear I have of performing that monologue tonight. Part of me thinks I should do the monologue that scares me, because it does scare me. (But in some cases fear is appropriate: Jumping off a cliff scares me too, but that doesn't mean I should do that.) The other part of me thinks I should choose the monologue I know better, I'll give a more polished performance. But more polished doesn't necessarily mean better or more charismatic. Quite honestly, I have no clue how to decide what's a good audition monologue and what isn't. In my classes, my teachers always wanted us to pick a brand new monologue to work on each semester, not one that we had worked on before. So I think I've got it stuck in my head that we're not supposed to use monologues that we know well. Which now that I've written that down is stupid. The point is to put our best foot forward at an audition, and that means using a monologue I know well and understand, right? Not the one that may be edgier because it'll be uneven ground and I won't really know if what I'm doing is good or not. However, the ...Thinking Big book says to "remind yourself regularly that you are better than you think you are." And isn't the whole point of acting to trust yourself, trust your insticts?
Stop going in circles!! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!! Feel the fear and do it anyway! Go Izzie Go! Do it! Do it!
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