The last few days have been really rough for me, but I'm finally on my way up and out. The first straw was when I realized that I was going to be in the audience of that infomercial. Next was that ugly spandex "fitness outfit".
The next straw was that we had been told not to discuss our compensation with anyone else at the infomercial because there were going to be people there who weren't getting paid. I am choosing to discuss it here because I think those people were smart enough to figure out that we were getting paid. I hate lying, and I'm not good at it (except when I'm lying to myself, but that is an entirely different can of worms.)
Anyhow, the first woman I met at the infomercial was one of the non-paid participants. Of course. I thought I had to make up this big complicated lie to cover the fact that I was getting paid: "Oh, it's just something I found on the internet, thought I'd come down and check it out." I guess the non-paid people were up for selection to participate in Jake's 90 day fitness program. My new friend noticed very quickly that there were a lot of actors in the crowd, including me. She also noticed that all the actors were separated into a different group by way of a piece of paper. All the actors were group A, she was group B. The table we sat at was entirely group A except for one other woman who was group B. The second woman asked another actor at the table if he was being paid to be there. He said, "Nah. I'm just doing this as a favor for my Casting Director." His lie was that simple. My friend asked me "But you're here for yourself, aren't you?" I didn't know what to say. I left the infomercial feeling like crap, nothing I said to my friend was trustworthy, even if it was the truth.
And then final straw was that book I'm reading, The Magic of Thinking Big. As I'm reading all this stuff that if you believe you are worth however much success you can imagine, and believe you can achieve it, this thought floats into my head: 'Okay, so I can do acting and massage and Mary Kay, and be successful at all three.' My next reaction was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" And then I became *so angry* at myself for where every aspect of my life is right now, that I'm not doing better than I am, that I haven't been able to push myself out of my rut, that I've had my "it's too hard, I refuse to do it" attitude since I was a 6 month old baby, if something got too hard, I would throw myself away onto my back and cry, refuse to try. I was so angry at myself I couldn't even think straight. Finally, I was able to have a good cry, and that helped, and then I realized that the anger I was feeling at the rut I've been stuck in is just growing pains, and that helped too. And even though I'm starting to feel better, and have taken action on some things finally, it still hurts, I'm still bruised and tender from all of that, which is why I haven't written for a few days, it hurt too much to write about it until now. I've also started taking St. John's Wort herbal suppliments, which is good for depression. Last time I took any, which was eight years ago, it helped even out my moods, helped me think more clearly. So, I'll get through this, I am getting through this. The growing pains hurt like hell, but they are growing pains, they are not stuck in a rut pains.
The next straw was that we had been told not to discuss our compensation with anyone else at the infomercial because there were going to be people there who weren't getting paid. I am choosing to discuss it here because I think those people were smart enough to figure out that we were getting paid. I hate lying, and I'm not good at it (except when I'm lying to myself, but that is an entirely different can of worms.)
Anyhow, the first woman I met at the infomercial was one of the non-paid participants. Of course. I thought I had to make up this big complicated lie to cover the fact that I was getting paid: "Oh, it's just something I found on the internet, thought I'd come down and check it out." I guess the non-paid people were up for selection to participate in Jake's 90 day fitness program. My new friend noticed very quickly that there were a lot of actors in the crowd, including me. She also noticed that all the actors were separated into a different group by way of a piece of paper. All the actors were group A, she was group B. The table we sat at was entirely group A except for one other woman who was group B. The second woman asked another actor at the table if he was being paid to be there. He said, "Nah. I'm just doing this as a favor for my Casting Director." His lie was that simple. My friend asked me "But you're here for yourself, aren't you?" I didn't know what to say. I left the infomercial feeling like crap, nothing I said to my friend was trustworthy, even if it was the truth.
And then final straw was that book I'm reading, The Magic of Thinking Big. As I'm reading all this stuff that if you believe you are worth however much success you can imagine, and believe you can achieve it, this thought floats into my head: 'Okay, so I can do acting and massage and Mary Kay, and be successful at all three.' My next reaction was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" And then I became *so angry* at myself for where every aspect of my life is right now, that I'm not doing better than I am, that I haven't been able to push myself out of my rut, that I've had my "it's too hard, I refuse to do it" attitude since I was a 6 month old baby, if something got too hard, I would throw myself away onto my back and cry, refuse to try. I was so angry at myself I couldn't even think straight. Finally, I was able to have a good cry, and that helped, and then I realized that the anger I was feeling at the rut I've been stuck in is just growing pains, and that helped too. And even though I'm starting to feel better, and have taken action on some things finally, it still hurts, I'm still bruised and tender from all of that, which is why I haven't written for a few days, it hurt too much to write about it until now. I've also started taking St. John's Wort herbal suppliments, which is good for depression. Last time I took any, which was eight years ago, it helped even out my moods, helped me think more clearly. So, I'll get through this, I am getting through this. The growing pains hurt like hell, but they are growing pains, they are not stuck in a rut pains.
3 comments:
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. From age 25 to age 40 I was in a huge rut, playing video games 8-12 hours a day, I did not feel worthy of anything else. I read a couple of books that helped me out of the rut.
Here they are:
Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne Dyer
Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Loving what is by Byron Katie
You can really learn to practice choosing whats best for you instead of feeling like what the world gave me today is what I am stuck with. I am living proof. I now play computer games 3-4 hours a month. And I have been in over 30 films since I started making good choices. I hope this helps, did not mean to preach but I can see that you are feeling what I was feeling and there is a way out.
Kind Regards,
Don
Oh yeah I forgot to mention I also visit with a Personal Coach on occasion and he helps me see and identify something that I may not be seeing. I think having a coach is cool thing that more and more people are looking in to. If you want to talk with they guy I use go here:
http://www.wingsofawareness.com/
His name is Dan.
I know that you will work your way out of this rut.
Kind Regards,
Don
Don't get down on yourself. You are doing SO much. Just read the last few weeks of your blog to prove that to yourself. You are auditioning and booking. You are writing. You are thinking forward and accomplishing things!
And as far as the Body by Jake thing, it is unprofessional and inappropriate of them to put you in a position where you felt you had to lie - try not to project that onto yourself. I've never met you personally but you don't seem like a shady person to me.
Chin (or wings!) up Pilliwiggin! You are doing great.
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