Hello! Sorry I haven't updated for a few days, starting Thursday I barely had enough time to get a decent amount of sleep and eat, never mind updating here or checking my e-mail even. But now I have time, finally, YAY!
So, Day 9 was Thursday. Mark was having 5 minute one-on-one sessions with each of us before class started, to discuss where we were in the learning process and what we needed to focus on to move forward. When it was my turn he asked me what I felt I needed to work on. I said, "I need to stop being nice, and I need to be more aware of myself so that I can catch those impulses as they go by."
Mark said, "Yes!" He sounded so relieved that I knew that already. He said, "You're wonderful at listening and responding, but you seem like you have a coquettish little girl inside you. You need to become a woman on stage.
As soon as he said that, the fluffy cloud of fun that my inner child had been floating on vanished with a *POOF!* and I felt the thump as she landed on her butt.
Mark saw it happen, too, he said, "Did you see that? It was like a weight has been added to you. You need to bring that weight with you on stage. If you continue to be a little girl, no one will take you seriously. You'll be cute and light and fun, and that's it." (In other words, a ball of fluff. My words, not his.) I don't really remember what else we talked about at that point, but I think we touched on the same stuff that M. had already called me on earlier in the week.
Mark said, "I know that's hard to hear, but..."
And I said, "It's not so much that it's hard to hear, as I'm not sure what to do about it."
He said, "You don't have to do anything about it. Just know that the seed has been planted and allow it to grow."
So my session was the last for that morning and class got started right after that. Since I hadn't had the opportunity to work on Tuesday, along with three other students, I was the first up along with my friend J. I was working on not being so nice, which means letting someone know when something bothers you. If they do something that pisses you off, you say to them, no bars held, "You're pissing me off." So J. was extremely tired and was having a very difficult time staying connected, but we our repetitions were still playful and open. I told him that he wasn't connected, and I attempted to show my displeasure at this, but I ended up stomping my feet in a childish manner as I did so. Mark stopped the exercise right there.
He said, "Isabelle, you're still being nice and childish, even though we just talked about it. J, she isn't being completely honest with you. She is deceiving you into thinking she's having more fun with you on stage than she really is," Mark looked straight at me, "and it is a deception." He continued to maintain eye contact with me until that statement really sank in to my mind. Once it did, I felt ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, I hadn't realized until that moment that by hiding and protecting myself behind being nice that I was also deceiving the other person. I looked over at J. and he was staring at me with terrible realization. Mark spoke to J. again. "She's very good at it. Did you see it?" J. said "No." still staring at me. I felt so dirty and ashamed. (Please understand that Mark absolutely was not shaming me. He simply laid all the cards on the table for both of us, and once I realized exactly what it was that I was doing, and that it was wrong, I felt shame, guilt, etc. And yes, it was harsh, but I think that was the only way to get it into my head that I wasn't just being "nice", and the only way to get J. to see what I was really doing.)Mark coached both us of to be completely truthful, and to fully express whatever the other person made us feel.
Mark had us start the repetition again, this time when I looked at J. his eyes were hard and he was closed. I said, "You don't trust me anymore." and it hurt to see that. He said with anger and conviction, "I don't trust you anymore." I said, "You're angry." He said, "I'm angry." And suddenly he was in my face, screaming the repetition at me, his nose a milimeter from mine, "I'M ANGRY!" I backed away, smiling (which I hated, but I couldn't stop, I tried and my mouth refused to move) and finally I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed "GET OUT OF MY FACE!" Mark stopped the repetition there and J. backed off immediately. I immediately covered my face with my hands, breathed in with an uncontrolled sob, my eyes watering. I let the breath out and focused on Mark.
Mark spoke to J. first. "You didn't take her in or respond to what she was giving you." Then to me he said, "Sometimes you will provoke an extreme reaction and you need to be able to hold your ground when that happens." Mark reminded us that whatever happens on stage is just work, and once we step off the stage, even after an intense moment like that, we could be like, "Man, that was great! Let's go get a beer." He had us clear our minds to start the repetition again. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, shook out the excess energy, let out the breath and let the previous moment go.
This new repetition was much calmer, I stayed grounded and more honest, I don't remember what we were repeating, but I caught myself sighing a couple of times. Mark stopped the repetition again after a few minutes, and said I was still holding back because I hadn't said anything about them. I said, "Every time I sigh, I ask myself 'What's going on?' but the difficulty I'm having is that it wants to come out as an 'I feel' instead of being focused on him." (We are supposed to say what we observe about the other person, or what the other person is doing to us--ie "You make me happy" instead of "I'm happy" or "You're boring me" instead of "I'm bored".)
At the break, I asked Mark, "What's the difference between being playful and being nice?" Because I enjoy being playful with who ever I'm on stage with, and up until this exercise I honestly thought that's all I was attempting to do. Mark's answer (in my own words): When you're being nice to cover up something negative you're feeling, that is a deception. When you're being playful to draw someone out or avoid telling them how you really feel, that is a manipulation. But once you've confronted those things that are bothering you, the conflict will resolve itself, and then you can be playful together in a genuine and honest environment.
The whole exercise really shook me up because the habit that Mark nailed me for using on stage is one that I use in life as well. Not in every circumstance, but many times I play at being happy and nice when I meet new people so that they'll like me. I felt that nobody in the room would trust me anymore, I had been exposed. And there was really nothing I could do to fix it. After class I asked J. if we were still friends. He looked at me with a big fake smile and fear in his eyes. "Yeah, sure. You'll get through this."
So, Day 9 was Thursday. Mark was having 5 minute one-on-one sessions with each of us before class started, to discuss where we were in the learning process and what we needed to focus on to move forward. When it was my turn he asked me what I felt I needed to work on. I said, "I need to stop being nice, and I need to be more aware of myself so that I can catch those impulses as they go by."
Mark said, "Yes!" He sounded so relieved that I knew that already. He said, "You're wonderful at listening and responding, but you seem like you have a coquettish little girl inside you. You need to become a woman on stage.
As soon as he said that, the fluffy cloud of fun that my inner child had been floating on vanished with a *POOF!* and I felt the thump as she landed on her butt.
Mark saw it happen, too, he said, "Did you see that? It was like a weight has been added to you. You need to bring that weight with you on stage. If you continue to be a little girl, no one will take you seriously. You'll be cute and light and fun, and that's it." (In other words, a ball of fluff. My words, not his.) I don't really remember what else we talked about at that point, but I think we touched on the same stuff that M. had already called me on earlier in the week.
Mark said, "I know that's hard to hear, but..."
And I said, "It's not so much that it's hard to hear, as I'm not sure what to do about it."
He said, "You don't have to do anything about it. Just know that the seed has been planted and allow it to grow."
So my session was the last for that morning and class got started right after that. Since I hadn't had the opportunity to work on Tuesday, along with three other students, I was the first up along with my friend J. I was working on not being so nice, which means letting someone know when something bothers you. If they do something that pisses you off, you say to them, no bars held, "You're pissing me off." So J. was extremely tired and was having a very difficult time staying connected, but we our repetitions were still playful and open. I told him that he wasn't connected, and I attempted to show my displeasure at this, but I ended up stomping my feet in a childish manner as I did so. Mark stopped the exercise right there.
He said, "Isabelle, you're still being nice and childish, even though we just talked about it. J, she isn't being completely honest with you. She is deceiving you into thinking she's having more fun with you on stage than she really is," Mark looked straight at me, "and it is a deception." He continued to maintain eye contact with me until that statement really sank in to my mind. Once it did, I felt ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, I hadn't realized until that moment that by hiding and protecting myself behind being nice that I was also deceiving the other person. I looked over at J. and he was staring at me with terrible realization. Mark spoke to J. again. "She's very good at it. Did you see it?" J. said "No." still staring at me. I felt so dirty and ashamed. (Please understand that Mark absolutely was not shaming me. He simply laid all the cards on the table for both of us, and once I realized exactly what it was that I was doing, and that it was wrong, I felt shame, guilt, etc. And yes, it was harsh, but I think that was the only way to get it into my head that I wasn't just being "nice", and the only way to get J. to see what I was really doing.)Mark coached both us of to be completely truthful, and to fully express whatever the other person made us feel.
Mark had us start the repetition again, this time when I looked at J. his eyes were hard and he was closed. I said, "You don't trust me anymore." and it hurt to see that. He said with anger and conviction, "I don't trust you anymore." I said, "You're angry." He said, "I'm angry." And suddenly he was in my face, screaming the repetition at me, his nose a milimeter from mine, "I'M ANGRY!" I backed away, smiling (which I hated, but I couldn't stop, I tried and my mouth refused to move) and finally I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed "GET OUT OF MY FACE!" Mark stopped the repetition there and J. backed off immediately. I immediately covered my face with my hands, breathed in with an uncontrolled sob, my eyes watering. I let the breath out and focused on Mark.
Mark spoke to J. first. "You didn't take her in or respond to what she was giving you." Then to me he said, "Sometimes you will provoke an extreme reaction and you need to be able to hold your ground when that happens." Mark reminded us that whatever happens on stage is just work, and once we step off the stage, even after an intense moment like that, we could be like, "Man, that was great! Let's go get a beer." He had us clear our minds to start the repetition again. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, shook out the excess energy, let out the breath and let the previous moment go.
This new repetition was much calmer, I stayed grounded and more honest, I don't remember what we were repeating, but I caught myself sighing a couple of times. Mark stopped the repetition again after a few minutes, and said I was still holding back because I hadn't said anything about them. I said, "Every time I sigh, I ask myself 'What's going on?' but the difficulty I'm having is that it wants to come out as an 'I feel' instead of being focused on him." (We are supposed to say what we observe about the other person, or what the other person is doing to us--ie "You make me happy" instead of "I'm happy" or "You're boring me" instead of "I'm bored".)
At the break, I asked Mark, "What's the difference between being playful and being nice?" Because I enjoy being playful with who ever I'm on stage with, and up until this exercise I honestly thought that's all I was attempting to do. Mark's answer (in my own words): When you're being nice to cover up something negative you're feeling, that is a deception. When you're being playful to draw someone out or avoid telling them how you really feel, that is a manipulation. But once you've confronted those things that are bothering you, the conflict will resolve itself, and then you can be playful together in a genuine and honest environment.
The whole exercise really shook me up because the habit that Mark nailed me for using on stage is one that I use in life as well. Not in every circumstance, but many times I play at being happy and nice when I meet new people so that they'll like me. I felt that nobody in the room would trust me anymore, I had been exposed. And there was really nothing I could do to fix it. After class I asked J. if we were still friends. He looked at me with a big fake smile and fear in his eyes. "Yeah, sure. You'll get through this."
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