Wow, today was rough.
I decided to enroll in The Daily Acting Workout class because of something Eugene said yesterday. "You can't expect to get better at the skills your learning by doing an exercise for 10 minutes in class." Which is really what it comes down to. We did two exercises yesterday, one before break, one after, and everyone got approximately 10 minutes for each exercise. (20 min total for the 3 hour class time.) Which bothers me a little bit, considering how much I've paid for the classes, BUT, 20 minutes per class is better than the 10 minutes every second or third class that you'd get in a community college class with twice as many students.
Anyhow, the Daily Acting Workout. Most of the people in the class today were in Boot Camp II (second level Meisner), (although there were two other people from my Boot Camp) and WOW is there a difference in their repetition exercises compared to what we did yesterday. Forget noticing physical things such as "Black shirt", the instructor put me up first with a second level guy, and he nailed me to the wall: "You're nervous." -- "You don't like being scrutinized." -- "You're embarrassed." Holy cow! And then, the guy left the stage, and another young woman took his place on stage with me, also level two. The exercise starts with one person's back turned to the other, the one with their back turned turns around and makes an observation about the other person without thinking, first thing that strikes them. This time, I had my back turned. After the young woman and I repeated for a few moments, the instructor stopped us, and he told me, "You had a strong reaction to her when you turned around, and you didn't call it. We've been programmed by society to be nice. Turn your back again, and when you turn around, take her in and call it this time, don't be nice." I have no idea what sort of a reaction he saw from me when I turned around that first time, or what it was he wanted me to notice about her, as far as I know I didn't have a negative reaction to her. I guess that just shows I still have a lot to learn about being aware of my own thoughts and impulses.
Then today's class was The Actor's Instrument aka movement and voice. I'm not sure how much I'll get out of this class since it is only once a week, four classes total for the session. But actually, today I did get a lot out of it. We did some stretching, some alignement exercises, we gave each other mini-massages. We also did some breathing exercises, and that's where it got rough for me. First we were just lying on the ground, focusing on conscious relaxation and breathing into our bellies, (between our belly button and pelvis.) Then the teacher asked us to put one hand on our lower belly, and feel the breathing. So far so good, I've done this lots of times, it's very relaxing. Then she tells us this is where the root of our emotions live, and to think of those emotions as a colored liquid. What color is the emotion in our lower belly today? At first, I was thinking, "What emotion? I don't know that there is an emotion there." And then suddenly, I couldn't breath into that part of my belly anymore, and the emotion that was there was all the pain and lonliness I've been feeling the last few weeks. I thought, "Oh, there it is. That's where it's been hiding." The instructor coached us to breath out a noise that reflected the emotion we felt there, and the room was filled with contented sighs, maybe some frustrated sighs, but I remained silent because I knew if I voiced the emotion, I'd start crying again, and the classroom is not an appropriate place for that. So I felt the pain, but did not express it aloud. I'm planning to do the exercise again on my own a little bit later, and allow the emotion out at that time.
It was after this exercise that we gave each other mini-massages, and we began discussing the importance of human touch and human connection, the need for validation. And that really struck the lonliness I already feel. Pretty much the only time I have contact with another human is when I'm hugging my mom goodnight or when I get a massage. And those don't fill my real need to be held and feel cared for. As for validation, writing this blog and your comments are pretty much the only validation I receive in my life, and that is pitiful. But I don't know what I need to do to change that. I don't know if I'm alone because of something I'm doing or if it's other people that don't want to connect with me for whatever reason, or if it's both. And there's a lot more where that came from for me to think about, but I'll do that on my own time as well, not here.
Thanks for listening.
I decided to enroll in The Daily Acting Workout class because of something Eugene said yesterday. "You can't expect to get better at the skills your learning by doing an exercise for 10 minutes in class." Which is really what it comes down to. We did two exercises yesterday, one before break, one after, and everyone got approximately 10 minutes for each exercise. (20 min total for the 3 hour class time.) Which bothers me a little bit, considering how much I've paid for the classes, BUT, 20 minutes per class is better than the 10 minutes every second or third class that you'd get in a community college class with twice as many students.
Anyhow, the Daily Acting Workout. Most of the people in the class today were in Boot Camp II (second level Meisner), (although there were two other people from my Boot Camp) and WOW is there a difference in their repetition exercises compared to what we did yesterday. Forget noticing physical things such as "Black shirt", the instructor put me up first with a second level guy, and he nailed me to the wall: "You're nervous." -- "You don't like being scrutinized." -- "You're embarrassed." Holy cow! And then, the guy left the stage, and another young woman took his place on stage with me, also level two. The exercise starts with one person's back turned to the other, the one with their back turned turns around and makes an observation about the other person without thinking, first thing that strikes them. This time, I had my back turned. After the young woman and I repeated for a few moments, the instructor stopped us, and he told me, "You had a strong reaction to her when you turned around, and you didn't call it. We've been programmed by society to be nice. Turn your back again, and when you turn around, take her in and call it this time, don't be nice." I have no idea what sort of a reaction he saw from me when I turned around that first time, or what it was he wanted me to notice about her, as far as I know I didn't have a negative reaction to her. I guess that just shows I still have a lot to learn about being aware of my own thoughts and impulses.
Then today's class was The Actor's Instrument aka movement and voice. I'm not sure how much I'll get out of this class since it is only once a week, four classes total for the session. But actually, today I did get a lot out of it. We did some stretching, some alignement exercises, we gave each other mini-massages. We also did some breathing exercises, and that's where it got rough for me. First we were just lying on the ground, focusing on conscious relaxation and breathing into our bellies, (between our belly button and pelvis.) Then the teacher asked us to put one hand on our lower belly, and feel the breathing. So far so good, I've done this lots of times, it's very relaxing. Then she tells us this is where the root of our emotions live, and to think of those emotions as a colored liquid. What color is the emotion in our lower belly today? At first, I was thinking, "What emotion? I don't know that there is an emotion there." And then suddenly, I couldn't breath into that part of my belly anymore, and the emotion that was there was all the pain and lonliness I've been feeling the last few weeks. I thought, "Oh, there it is. That's where it's been hiding." The instructor coached us to breath out a noise that reflected the emotion we felt there, and the room was filled with contented sighs, maybe some frustrated sighs, but I remained silent because I knew if I voiced the emotion, I'd start crying again, and the classroom is not an appropriate place for that. So I felt the pain, but did not express it aloud. I'm planning to do the exercise again on my own a little bit later, and allow the emotion out at that time.
It was after this exercise that we gave each other mini-massages, and we began discussing the importance of human touch and human connection, the need for validation. And that really struck the lonliness I already feel. Pretty much the only time I have contact with another human is when I'm hugging my mom goodnight or when I get a massage. And those don't fill my real need to be held and feel cared for. As for validation, writing this blog and your comments are pretty much the only validation I receive in my life, and that is pitiful. But I don't know what I need to do to change that. I don't know if I'm alone because of something I'm doing or if it's other people that don't want to connect with me for whatever reason, or if it's both. And there's a lot more where that came from for me to think about, but I'll do that on my own time as well, not here.
Thanks for listening.
3 comments:
All of this sounds so incredible. I'm so happy for you that you are submerging yourself in these classes and devoting yourself to your craft. I hope you get everything out of it that you are looking for as well as some surprises that you didn't expect.
You are a very interesting read. Have I said that before? Any way, I LIke coming here.
Keep Acting, Keep going to Classes, Audition all the time (at least once a week, even if you don't want the gig). This will solve to things. You will better your craft, and you will meet lots of people who have similar interests. Your acting dream will lead you to that special some one. I believe that if you follow your passion, all things fall in to place. And from the looks of it your are doing just that. But keep rocking, and remember auditions are free, and you can meet people. I can't stress enough to other actors to audtion all the time. Sorry to sound preachy, just want to help.
Don
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