More Self-Analysis

Wow, I actually slept through the night last night! Yay, I feel so much better!

I was watching Dharma & Greg yesterday. I love that show, because Jenna Elfman and Thomas Gibson are always so real. They listen to one another, react naturally to each other, it's awesome! The writing is awesome too, it's just such a fun show!

So the episode I watched yesterday was the one where Dharma helps Greg make a commercial for his new law practice and then she gets offered another commercial. The scene towards the end of the episode where Greg finally tells Dharma why he's having issues with her making more money than him, he tells her he feels for the first time like he's failing, I was surprised to see that he was crying, there were tears on his cheeks. I almost think it surprised Gibson too, it wasn't planned. It was a touching, real moment.

(A moment of silence please to honor that moment...and now back to the self-absorbed, self-analytical portion of the blog.) lol

Okay, I have issues with being able to cry, even in my personal life, never mind in front of a camera on cue. I get choked up a lot, usually for sentimental reasons, but actually crying? Not usually. And when I do cry, it's not just tears rolling down my cheeks, it's hard core sobbing. And it usually takes a LOT to get me to cry in the first place. I don't try to push for the tears when performing a scene that calls for crying, because I know forcing it will just it screw up, but at the same time I feel that if I had the ability to honestly cry with just tears or a single tear even sliding down my cheek, it would make the scene that much more powerful.

I wonder if crying is a skill one can learn, or if I just really need to look deep inside and connect to an emotional place that I'm not connected to.

I also ran through several quick monologue scenes by myself last night, not focusing on the emotions, but on what the character was thinking and what they wanted. I was surprised at how easily the emotional reaction came. Intellecutally, I cannot be sure that I wasn't overacting or that, had anyone been watching, it would not have seemed honest, but that's where the trust comes in.

And that's another thing I need to learn: I can relax and trust when I'm by myself and no one's watching, but it's harder to do in front of an audience or camera. But I'm working on it. It's getting easier, slowly but surely.

Also, I've written previously that my instructor said my skill level is less than a 5, and that I wasn't certain I have what it takes. Then last night, I was writing that I was certain. I've just realized that my teacher hasn't seen the best of me, not even close. With the scenes I performed for her, I only did maybe 20% - 50% of the necessary homework. I wanted to do more so badly, I wanted to give so much more to my performances than I did, but I had excuses and legitimate reasons for not doing more. The legitimate reason was being focused on the Massage Program, all the homework required, internship hours, planning my massage career after I graduated. The excuses I used were that my scene partners were usually at a lower skill level than me, so even if I only did a portion of the work, I'd still look better. (How conceited!! BLAH!) Plus, because they were evening classes, my partners usually only had one hour per week to rehearse, that's not nearly enough rehearsal time! I told myself that I should do as much work on the scenes by myself as I could, not let those excuses hold me back from giving the best performance I could possibly give...but I did, and fear played a factor in that too. I was afraid that if I dug into an emotionally unstable character the way I needed to, it would affect the bigger part of my daily life, where I needed to keep balanced and focused to make it through all my Massage Therapy classes and requirements. Perhaps in that aspect, it wasn't such an unreasonable fear. Or perhaps I need to learn how to turn it off.

The last time I really dug into a scene was almost 10 years ago. I was playing Babe from "Crimes of the Heart". Part of the scene was Babe's monologue about how she shot her husband. I spent so much time analyzing the script, internalizing the back story and the inner life, every free moment I had during the day I turned my thoughts to the scene, living with it so to speak. At the final performance in class, during my monologue, I could feel the tension in the room, the silence overwhelming. I know I gave an awesome performance, minus a few small disconnected areas. So I know how much work is required to give that kind of performance again. And I just haven't been willing to go in that deep again since. (I walked away from acting altogether for nearly 8 years after that, but that's a whole different issue entirely.) Fear, teacher expectations (I told myself she wasn't expecting too much from any of us, so I didn't need to do the work), laziness, practical concerns? But I should have done the absolute best I could have, for myself, because this is something I want, and not let all those other things hold me back. I actually ended up dropping my acting class the last semester, because I wanted so freaking badly not to let those things hold me back, but there was too much I needed to focus on for the Massage Program, I was in mental anguish because I wanted to put the focus into my scene, but I just couldn't.

So now I have the time. Now I can move forward and grow as an actress. And keep reminding myself that I do have what it takes, I just need more training, and I need to choose to not let my fears stop me.