This Too Shall Pass

I'm feeling really down at the moment. I haven't worked for nearly a month now. Abigail Abbott has only given me one assignment: seven hours at Nordstrom Rack, picking up clothes off the sales floor and keeping the racks tidy during their close-out sale. No hint of a long term assignment in the LA area. I haven't been able to book myself for background work either, there are very few jobs on the line and most of them are looking for beautiful, slender women size 8 and smaller.

I feel like I've screwed myself over leaving that indefinite temp assignment I had, like if I'd been less spoiled and whiny, if I'd "put on my big girl panties" and dealt with it, at least I'd have an income right now. I found a blog entry from Jenna Fischer in which she talks about her experiences starting out in the business, she writes that she worked as a temp doing "mind-dumbing data entry" to support herself -- and my cheeks start to burn because I chose not to, decided that I couldn't handle it, didn't want to handle it anymore.

And I'm beginning to think that Abigail Abbott won't find me a long term assignment because of my request to have a flexible schedule for acting. I may have shot myself in the foot on that one. I've started looking on Monster.com for a job on my own, but most of those jobs require a Bachelor's degree (which I don't have) or the interesting sounding jobs require training/experience that I don't have and won't get unless I go back to college full time for another couple of years. And I honestly don't think that I'll last any better at the uninteresting jobs than I did with my last assignment. Just the thought of asking to go back to that assignment (or any job similar to it) makes me want to run away screaming.

I feel so stuck. I feel so lonely because I'm puttering around the house all day with nothing to do. I haven't gotten any more auditions. And best laid plans, I haven't done any practice auditions either. And I was planning to start exercising again today since most of the roles I'd like to audition for, most of the background jobs, are looking for height-weight proportionate women. But somehow, while sitting at my computer, I managed to pull a muscle in my ankle. So exercising needs to wait, again.

And I have no one to blame but myself. These results are due to my own actions. And I keep ending up here, even when I try to go, my actions always seem to bring me back here. I know I've written about this before, more than once.

My sister and my cousin sat me down last week at our Fourth of July party to talk with me about my being angry. I laughed and said, "I'm not angry." They said, "Yes, you are." I said "I think it's just growing pains" and they said "No it's more than that." And I think even though I choose not to focus on it, I am angry, but I still think it stems from growing pains. I loose my temper much more easily than I used to. But I also wasn't really fighting to move forward in my life before either. And now I'm fighting and fighting, but apparently ineffectively because I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Although my cousin says my confidence has increased noticeably. And my sister suggested that perhaps I'm trying to change myself too quickly, turn myself into somebody I'm not to reach my goals. She said it's like I'm wearing a pair of jeans that don't fit right and are uncomfortable, so of course I'm gonna be grumpy.

And I agree, but if I don't make the attempt, life isn't worth living. If I'm not gonna pursue my dreams and goals, there's nothing for me to live for. I don't have very many friends I can hang out with on a regular basis, I spend 99% of my time alone. I have friends that would be there for me at the drop of a hat if I really needed them, but somehow we just don't hang out very often. Because they're like me. I've just about given up on finding a romantic relationship. It seems that all the guys I'm really interested in aren't interested in me, I'm not their type, or they like me as a friend, think I have a great personality, but don't consider me for a romantic relationship. Plus my Myer-Briggs personality type is rare, it only makes up 5% of the population, which I think makes finding someone I could be compatible with very difficult, since most people don't, can't, understand me. And even if I did find someone who was interested in me, I'm not sure I'd be able to let them in, let them love me, even if I wanted to, because I've been alone so long, because of the model of love and marriage I grew up with.

So the only thing that makes life worth it for me at this point is working towards my goal. Even if I don't make it, working towards it is enough. I mean, I hope I do make it, do succeed in earning my living from acting. But the journey in making that dream come true is what makes life worth living for me, at this time in my life. I hope the rest will change, that I will find love and be able to let him in. I hope I will find new friends to spend time with on a more regular basis. I've already got one, and I'm so so glad that she and I have become good friends and talk on a regular basis. :-*

So I am hopeful, even as I sit here whining, wallowing, and feeling sorry for myself. I am hopeful even though I am angry and frustrated. I am hopeful.