Can't Find A Seat

Usually dreams are just dreams, and I've had some really wild ones. But occasionally, I have dreams that symbolize my current emotional/psychological state. The dream I had last night falls into that category:

I went to see a movie with some friends. The theater was only half-full, but everyone was spread out so it seemed there weren't that many seats available. So I ended up sitting near the back on one side of the theater. The movie started. It wasn't a very good seat. I think I asked the person next to me if we could trade or something, so she stood to move seats, then everyone in the row was standing to shift seats, and then everyone in the whole theater was shuffling themselves, moving down the rows filling in empty seats in between, and when we all sat down again, I was in a center seat! Perfect! But I noticed the seat seemed to be cheap plastic under the cushions, and had a crack in it. (Remember those little plastic chairs from elementary school? It was like that.)

Then it wasn't a movie theater anymore, it was an airplane, and there was turbulence and suddenly the plane turned completely upside down--I don't know if the plane did a rollercoaster loop or a barrel roll, but we went completely upside down, people screaming, stuff falling, thank goodness we were all buckled in.

When the plane came up right again, we discovered there was something wrong with the nose of the plane, and we were going down for sure, an emergency crash landing. I couldn't stay in the seat I was in, it was cracked, I'd be killed! So I unbuckled and proceeded to look for another safer seat.

There was something wrong with every seat! The center seat was cracked. The next seat over was filled with rain water from when the airplane turned upside down. The seat next to that was actually a toilet seat that hadn't ever been cleaned it seemed, it was filthy! The fourth seat from the center looked like an MRI tube, and at that moment the plane hit some more turbulence, so I climbed in. There was a bar inside to hold on to, which I did for dear life, but thank god the airplane didn't roll upside down again, because there was no seat belt in this seat, I would have fallen out! So as soon as the turbulence settled down, I got out and continued to look for a safe seat for the crash landing. Another cracked seat. A seat that was actually a bed with books, pens, papers, magazines, plates of food (?) piled on it--no time to clean it off and all that stuff would go flying anyways no matter where I put it. And now I was so far from the center seat where I had wanted to be--

And at that moment, my cell phone rang, pulling me out of the dream and waking me up. I think this dream effectively illustrates my attitude. I think people changing seats in the movie theater represent people willing to help me reach my goals, and/or perhaps my friends and family humoring me by moving (even though it is an inconvenience to them) while I search for the "perfect seat", that is try to find my place in life, try to find a way to reach my goals. Then the airplane is my financial security, my independence, my job. The center seat (focusing only on acting) where I want to sit, is cracked, it's not safe. There is something wrong with all the other seats, all the survival jobs I look at aren't good enough, and move me further away from the center seat. The plane is going down and I have no place to sit safely.

I'm still planning to work Mary Kay, I'm still reminding myself that it is a "survival job" and that when you're struggling to survive, work enjoyment is a luxury and not an option. I'm planning to work Mary Kay like it is a job, not self-employment. I will make a step-by-step plan, I will plan day-by-day, and work as if I were going to an office job every day. I am no longer giving myself the choice. I have declared Marshall Law on myself.