Wow.

I just watched parts of American Beauty with the audio commentary by director Sam Mendes. It was so educational for me as an actor and as an amatuer director. Mendes talked about the choices the actors made, the lighting, the visual symbolisms, the types of shots he chose to use and why.

I want to go back and listen to all of the commentary, but because it was getting late I specifically watched the scenes with Chris Cooper, and listened to the commentary on those. Cooper is a great actor who has recently been brought to my attention, and another to add to my list of actors I'd love to work with during my career. (Of course, Kevin Spacey, too!)

And I desperately want to be as good an actor as the cast in that movie. I can only hope that at this point in my experience and growth, I'm beginning to touch the edges of their skill and talent.

And I think there were some things I could have done better in my audition. I think in the improv, I as the character was far too hard on the father, I forgot to bring love for him into the improv. There were a couple of times when he tried to lighten the mood a bit, and I took it right back to the negative, sarcastic, depression. I worry that perhaps I ignored him at some points, but even though there were many (perhaps too many) moments when I wasn't looking at him, I was still listening, still connected, still reacting. I think perhaps I was physically over-acting as well, doing too much, too big with myself physically, but not on purpose, I was totally reactive in the moment, and not conciously thinking about how I was acting with my body. That's what I was taught in class last summer. Be in the moment with you acting partner, listen and react to them, and everything else will take care of itself. But it seems to me that as a film actor we have to be aware of our bodies, we have to be aware enough to choose moments of stillness, or it won't look right on camera. Although there were moments of absolute stillness on my part, in reaction to something the other actor said.

I worry that they won't choose me, because I'm still too undisciplined in my skills, but then I counter-act that thought with the fact that other actors with little experience have been chosen to be in feature films, so that's not necessarily a reason they wouldn't choose me. I also worry that they won't pick me because I'm non-union, and it's a SAG short film. And that may carry more weight, depending on their budget. If there's another actor that they liked at least as much as me and she's SAG, they won't choose me. And I'm not so egotistical to believe that I was the best actor they saw in the auditions. And perhaps I really wasn't that good, they were just being nice. Okay, negative thought, bye now, thanks for sharing!

I need to get out of the house, I'm thinking about this waaaaaay too much. You audition and then you let it go.