Being Human

"If I don't need the money, I don't work. I'm going to spend time with my family and friends, and I'm going to travel and read and listen to music and try to learn a little bit more about how to be a human being, as opposed to learning how to be somebody else." --James Spader

So, with that in mind, I am going to write about my experiences as a human being, in addition to being an actor.

Starting a new relationship (platonic or romantic) is always rough for me, especially if I really like and care about the other person, really want them to be a part of my life. I love to build shining palaces full of dreams and hopes for the relationship.

But I've finally realized that in the beginning, the foundation of a relationship is little more than a place marker--"This is where we will build." Perhaps there are only two boards leaning against one another and being supported by the two people. If one person chooses to walk away, the foundation collapses, it cannot stand on its own. And honestly, that is where most of my interpersonal experiences lie, with the other person walking away at this in-between place.

So when my dreamer's nature begins to build a shining palace upon a new foundation, I become very fearful. I swing back and forth between being elated at the possibilities that seem to be finally manifesting, and being terrified and insecure that at any moment the other person will walk away and the whole thing will collapse. And then I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't just be happy at the prospect of building the shining palace I envision with the other person.

I finally figured it out today: I have been trying to build entire shining palaces upon minimal foundations that cannot support themselves. No wonder I feel so fearful and insecure that the whole thing will collapse.

And I am greatly relieved to have discovered this. For one thing, it means that my fear is absolutely human and normal, and that there is nothing wrong with me--except perhaps the foolishness of being a dreamer and believing that a shining palace could be built on a minimal foundation in the first place.

So, it seems to me now that shining palaces have no place in the building of a foundation. Hopes and dreams and intuitions are only feelings, they are not anything real that you can build with. But perhaps the shining palace can be incorporated into the blueprints.

I feel so calm and grounded now. I have no idea how building a more solid foundation will happen or even if it will happen. And somehow, I'm totally okay not knowing. I still want it, very much. I still have my shining palace full of hopes and dreams sitting next to me, sitting next to the foundation that I hope will be built. But I'm okay not knowing what happens next.