Today, after work, the office manager at my temp assignment asked to speak to me. She said she'd heard that I was possibly interested in taking the position permanently. I said "Yes, as long as I can have the flexibility to go to auditions and to go film when I get cast in something." She said they wouldn't be able to provide that flexibility because it is a full time position in Accounts Payable. Which I have learned over the last four weeks means the several hundred invoices coming in each week that need to be processed, so they need someone reliable in the position or the whole department will get behind. She said she's holding a few interviews for the position on Monday and she wanted to touch bases with me regarding my interest in the position.
So my cushy indefinite temp assignment is no longer indefinite. It's looking like next week will be my last week there. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet, but it's my own fault for letting myself believe this job would really last indefinitely, for making plans with the money I would have earned during my indefinite employment period at this assignment.
And I don't want to loose the financial security I've tasted with this job. I want to believe that because I'm just starting out my acting career won't interfere very much with the "day job", that I'll only need occasional time to audition, that until I get more experience, I'll probably only be working in student films which film on the weekends...
But a friend of mine who is also just starting out just got booked for a whole week on a well known reality TV show.
And that's the reality of the business. I can't deny it, or pretend that it won't interfere. I'd be selling myself short if I do allow myself to believe that it won't interfere, as well as lying to and letting down the company if they agreed to hire me under that false pretense. And so, I can't commit to the position permanently. And most members of my family think this is a bad choice. They say that I need a permanent job with benefits (especially health insurance and a 401K), that I need the financial stability of a permanent job. And on the one hand I completely agree with them. Mom commented that I've seemed happier lately, and I agree with that too, it's felt really good to have as much money as I've been earning in this assignment, I haven't had to struggle, I've had money to spare, to save, to spend on necessities that I haven't been able to afford. I even paid rent this month. But I don't see how I can fully pursue my acting career if I do take this position, any position, permanently.
On another note, I don't think I have good headshots this time around. Yes, I've only submitted to six projects this week so far. I also submitted to several projects last month (although most of those were for TV/Episodic and SAG stuff, maybe out of my experience range) and I haven't gotten a single call. With my previous headshots, I got three auditions within my first 20 submissions. That meant my headshots were working. I don't think my new headshots are working for me.
The more I think about my headshots, the less I like them. Especially now that I've gotten the prints of my smiling pose. I think the pictures aren't honest, they don't look real, they look acted, posed, and I finally figured out what's visually wrong with the picture, what's been bugging me about them: My eyes are out of focus. You'd think I'd notice that right away, but apparently I didn't. And I am so incredibly pissed that my cousin's fiance didn't have the time to really work with me on this set of pictures, or take the time to make sure the focus was right. And I know that makes me sound totally ungrateful because he's so incredibly busy, and it was a big deal for him to take time to do this for me at all, especially since he was doing it for free. You get what you pay for, I guess, as always. But the pictures aren't good enough so we wasted both our time.
And I'm actually terrified to go to a professional photographer. What if the pictures don't come out again? What if I try too hard and they look fake, posed, again? Grrr... Feel the fear and do it anyway. I can handle it.
Considering that my cushy indefinite temp assignment is no longer indefinite, I think I'll use the money I was planning to buy DAW tickets with to get new, professional headshots instead. Or maybe I should just save the money since I won't have a cushy income after next week. I'll still be working temp through Abigail Abbott, but most assignments don't pay as much as this one did, or last as long, so my income will be erratic again. *sigh*
Oh, the sacrifices one must make for one's art, to follow one's dream.
Oh, such sufferin'!
My days are full of sufferin'!
Give me a Bufferin!
Hi-diddle-dee-dee, an actor's life for me!
(Wow. Okay, that was really weird.)
2 comments:
Ugh the choices. We get stuck with all these choices. Our 9-5 counterparts don't deal with half the stress we do. What in the heck? I know you will make the decision that is right for you.
And as far as headshots go - those are a bummer too! Again with the pressure and stress. I wish I had comforting words but the only comfort I can think of I guess is "take your time and pick the right photographer". Why do we have to act lilke models at all??? WE ARE ACTORS!
I think it is awesome that you were upfront when they talked to you about the job. That you made no apologies for you career choice really shows how badly you want to act and have a life of it. Good for you!
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