I've finally been catching up on reading some of my favorite blogs. And Magickat's post Hard Work Pays Off really hit close to home, especially since I've been working temp this last month. The last week, I've been thinking about how frustrated I've started feeling with background work, with the early mornings, the drive in to LA, sitting around in holding for hours on end, and then being placed in the deep background. But to be fair, it's been about half & half between deep background, and being close to the camera and the principle actors, so I guess I shouldn't complain too loudly about that one.
Reading about her sacrifices over this last year, sacrifices I wouldn't have even considered, and now that I'm aware of those sacrifices, I'm not sure I'd want to make them, I've realized that I'm not giving my all to this career yet. I mean, I still haven't ordered my freaking headshot prints yet!! (One thing that I think makes a big difference is I'm non-union, and she is SAG, so she gets paid twice as much as I do. For me, especially lately, it seems ludicrous to drive 30-45 miles at four in the morning for 12 hours days at minimum wage. I guess I got spoiled by the 14 hour day paychecks I earned on Blades last summer.)
Anyhow, this feeds into something else that's been bugging me all week: I've been feeling like such an incredibly spoiled brat. I suddenly realized that I have access to so many tools, so much knowledge that will allow me to be successful in any area of my life, but I don't use those tools.
In regards to health and my weight, I have better knowledge than most people, but do I actually use this knowledge? Not really. I make healthier choices when eating a good percentage of the time, but I am still overweight by more than 50 lbs, and I seem to lack the self-discipline to exercise enough to loose the weight. I'm not making use of the knowledge and the tools I have.
In regards to my finances, I've been to a freaking Millionaire Mind Intensive weekend seminar, which was absolutely awesome, but I'm not making use of the tools I learned there. I could be successful in Mary Kay if I simply used the training, but I almost seem to spite the idea. "I don't want to use those tools." And I've allowed myself to slide into a financial pit that there's no easy way out of, and I'm still pouting about office work, telemarketing, jobs I hate but pay well...
Such a fucking spoiled brat!! I can't afford anything, literally, I bring in barely enough to cover most of my bills and eating fast food more than I should, and that's it. I haven't been able to pay rent for a few months now. No new clothes, no groceries, and certainly no luxuries like hi-speed internet or a new frickin' computer, going to the movies or theatre, buying CDs, books. And I sit hear and whine about finding a job I love, about making sure I have time for R&R. The only reason I'm not out on the street is because I'm renting a room from my parents.
And the thing that's frustrating about this whole job thing is that I learned massage therapy (and took out a student loan) so that I could have a part-time day job that I actually liked that would give me flexibility and financial stability for my acting career. I took out another small loan to fund my massage business which is now defunct. And now I can't get a job in a day spa because I hurt my knee and it doesn't seem to be healing. Which is where the loosing weight comes in. I know that will help my knee. That will help my acting career too, I'm sure.
And there is no one to blame in any of this except myself, because I've allowed myself to be a spoiled lazy brat. Because I don't use the tools & knowledge I have.
Magickat has worked hard this year, made many sacrifices, and has been rewarded for her hard work in so many ways. And me, I've been mentally complaining about background work, starting to feel superior to that. "I'm an actor, not moving wallpaper." Fucking lazy, spoiled brat. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to kick myself in the butt, hard.
Reading about her sacrifices over this last year, sacrifices I wouldn't have even considered, and now that I'm aware of those sacrifices, I'm not sure I'd want to make them, I've realized that I'm not giving my all to this career yet. I mean, I still haven't ordered my freaking headshot prints yet!! (One thing that I think makes a big difference is I'm non-union, and she is SAG, so she gets paid twice as much as I do. For me, especially lately, it seems ludicrous to drive 30-45 miles at four in the morning for 12 hours days at minimum wage. I guess I got spoiled by the 14 hour day paychecks I earned on Blades last summer.)
Anyhow, this feeds into something else that's been bugging me all week: I've been feeling like such an incredibly spoiled brat. I suddenly realized that I have access to so many tools, so much knowledge that will allow me to be successful in any area of my life, but I don't use those tools.
In regards to health and my weight, I have better knowledge than most people, but do I actually use this knowledge? Not really. I make healthier choices when eating a good percentage of the time, but I am still overweight by more than 50 lbs, and I seem to lack the self-discipline to exercise enough to loose the weight. I'm not making use of the knowledge and the tools I have.
In regards to my finances, I've been to a freaking Millionaire Mind Intensive weekend seminar, which was absolutely awesome, but I'm not making use of the tools I learned there. I could be successful in Mary Kay if I simply used the training, but I almost seem to spite the idea. "I don't want to use those tools." And I've allowed myself to slide into a financial pit that there's no easy way out of, and I'm still pouting about office work, telemarketing, jobs I hate but pay well...
Such a fucking spoiled brat!! I can't afford anything, literally, I bring in barely enough to cover most of my bills and eating fast food more than I should, and that's it. I haven't been able to pay rent for a few months now. No new clothes, no groceries, and certainly no luxuries like hi-speed internet or a new frickin' computer, going to the movies or theatre, buying CDs, books. And I sit hear and whine about finding a job I love, about making sure I have time for R&R. The only reason I'm not out on the street is because I'm renting a room from my parents.
And the thing that's frustrating about this whole job thing is that I learned massage therapy (and took out a student loan) so that I could have a part-time day job that I actually liked that would give me flexibility and financial stability for my acting career. I took out another small loan to fund my massage business which is now defunct. And now I can't get a job in a day spa because I hurt my knee and it doesn't seem to be healing. Which is where the loosing weight comes in. I know that will help my knee. That will help my acting career too, I'm sure.
And there is no one to blame in any of this except myself, because I've allowed myself to be a spoiled lazy brat. Because I don't use the tools & knowledge I have.
Magickat has worked hard this year, made many sacrifices, and has been rewarded for her hard work in so many ways. And me, I've been mentally complaining about background work, starting to feel superior to that. "I'm an actor, not moving wallpaper." Fucking lazy, spoiled brat. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to kick myself in the butt, hard.
1 comment:
I tried to leave a comment previously but for some reason it got declined. My secont attempt probably won't be as poetic but I wanted to say that I gain A LOT by visiting your blog. I am influenced by your "send it out into the universe" to do what it will philosophy. I use it quite often, thanks to you.
I am flattered by your comment on my blog and just wanted to let you know it is reciprocated. I know you will sort out what you truly want and that you will get it when it is meant to be.
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