The Black Cloud

I'm feeling rather down at the moment. My life is taking a turn away from acting once again, and I'm really bummed about that. Especially since I've finally started catching up on everyone else's blogs, and every one else is making awesome progress in their careers! And me, I'm still in square one. Where I've been for the last 5 fucking years due to one reason or excuse or another.

So, this time the detour is necessary. My car needs a new engine and I don't have the money. (BTW, I am so sick of not having the money for anything, I need to get rid of that theme song once and for all!) Anyhow, I made a bad U-turn, wound up half on the curb, and messed up the crankshaft, apparently I'm lucky my engine didn't explode. Not that I've been driving that much since it happened. So now I need a new engine. Which I had been thinking about anyways because the engine has been burning oil for a while now.

So, the mechanic is going to try a quick fix that will hold me over (hopefully) while we find a rebuilt engine for my car. And the reason this leads me away from acting is that with a quick fix, 1) I won't be able to drive into LA, and 2) I've decided to work at a temp agency to earn the money necessary to pay for the engine, temp agency work is more reliable money than background work.

And maybe in some weird way, this is the Universe manifesting one of my intentions. I made a Mary Kay goal poster about a month ago, and one of the things I put on my poster was a VW Jetta Convertible. Because when you make enough sales consistently every month, Mary Kay will give you a special edition Mary Kay car, or give you a monthly cash reward that you can use for car payments on any car you want (or for whatever else you want to use the $$ for, I suppose). And the interesting thing is, I get home from the repair shop and in the mail is my Mary Kay unit newsletter, and in the newsletter is a worksheet titled: "Drive a Free Car in Three Months Plan of Action". So, is that a sign or what?

The thing is, that little black cloud that appeared over my head a few weeks ago originated with Mary Kay. I've been registered as a Consultant for almost a year now, I think? But I haven't really done much with it because I've got issues with selling: begging people for appointments, manipulating them into buying something. Which in theory is not the Mary Kay way, but it sure feels like it to me, any kind of sales feel dishonest, because it doesn't matter what you say to someone, or how nice you are, the ulterior motive is always to make a sale. Anyway, I already have that baggage regarding this type of work. But then I decide to make an effort, I collect several phone numbers from people who seem interested, I call them, and actually get two appointments. But then the first one doesn't call to cancel or reschedule and doesn't show up. The second one pushes the apppointment later and still shows up late, too late, we reschedule and then she doesn't call, doesn't show up. And I am PISSED, because I've taken time out of my schedule and focus away from my acting to give them these appointments. So I say, "F*** it. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." It's all Bullshit, and I'm not going to deal with it. And thus the little black cloud appeared that also made me much less patient with the BS a background extra has to deal with.

And so now, I need a new engine. And the opportunity and means to get an entirely new car has been dropped in my lap. But on the inside, I am tearing my hair out and screaming maniacally at the sky thinking of the work necessary to get that new car. Not to mention spitting some nasty poison at some of my Mary Kay unit memebers that were only trying to help. (I am truly sorry for that.)

That little black cloud isn't so little anymore. Yuck.

Remember,
Every silver lining has a dark, dark cloud.
Always after sunshine comes the rain.
They say that after night,
The dawn is sure to be bright,
But don't forget,
The night will come again.
--"Q" (aka John De Lancie)