Today in the Daily Acting Workout, again the instructor challenged me. (Different instructor than yesterday. And I think it's really cool that the instructors are starting to challenge us in the DAW and not just letting us run with it for better or for worse.)
Anyhow, today's instructor teaches every Wednesday, and he's been nudging me every week to not be nice. He'll say to me, "Tell him he's an f-ing bastard!" So today he called me on covering up some stuff that was said to me that really did bother me, but I covered it up with being glib and laughing it off. And then when I was confronted with one girl who was a cocky, condesending bitch, I actually called her a bitch on my own, didn't need any prompting there. (Although in all honesty I didn't call her on her condesending behavior at first, the instructor had to really push the realization into my awareness: "Look at how she's talking to you! She's treating you like you're nothing, like you're trash!") I said, "You're treating me like fluff!" She said, "You stand like you're fluff!" So then I called her a bitch. The instructor said to her, "What does it feel like that she called you that?" She just looked at me. Then the instructor coached her, "That is a real person across from you, not just an object. Take a look at the real person." So she took in a deep breath, and really saw me. "You're afraid I'm going to say something mean to you." I agreed.
So, on to the Actor's Instrument class. I really enjoy this class, it's so cool to explore the connection between body, voice, and acting. Today, we learned how intention and gesture is connected to body & voice, as well as exploring how leading with different parts of our bodies while walking changed our perception of ourselves. For example, when I led with my head, I found myself very worried, almost pissed off. But when I led with my knees, I felt like Goofy. Then when I led with my stomach, I felt like a fat lazy slob who didn't give a crap about anything. This probably makes no sense to non-actors, and I can't really explain everything we learned.
After class, J. and I finally had a long talk about what happened between us on stage last Thursday. After he had called me on Saturday night, when I came in to class on Monday morning, even though he had told me everything was okay, one look in his eyes told that they were not okay yet. So I've kind of been avoiding him. But today we finally talked about it, which I'm really glad for. He also pointed out a lot of things to me just from this morning's DAW, such as I set myself up for that girl to tell me I was standing like fluff (which I was, looking back on it), he also said I called her a bitch from my head, not from my gut, my feelings. (Which when I look back, he is also right about.)
And then I was rehearsing after that with L., and we decided just to do a straight Meisner repetition to get connected, and she really saw me (or perhaps I let her really see me), and one of the things she said to me was, "You don't feel safe." And I realized that I am not allowing myself to feel safe, even though the classroom is absolutely safe. And actually, J. said something to that effect as well, that no one in the classroom was going to hurt me, or reject me. So now the challenge for me is can I allow myself to trust in the safe space, and strip myself of my protective emotional guards, and really just let myself out? I've only got a week and a few days left.
Anyhow, today's instructor teaches every Wednesday, and he's been nudging me every week to not be nice. He'll say to me, "Tell him he's an f-ing bastard!" So today he called me on covering up some stuff that was said to me that really did bother me, but I covered it up with being glib and laughing it off. And then when I was confronted with one girl who was a cocky, condesending bitch, I actually called her a bitch on my own, didn't need any prompting there. (Although in all honesty I didn't call her on her condesending behavior at first, the instructor had to really push the realization into my awareness: "Look at how she's talking to you! She's treating you like you're nothing, like you're trash!") I said, "You're treating me like fluff!" She said, "You stand like you're fluff!" So then I called her a bitch. The instructor said to her, "What does it feel like that she called you that?" She just looked at me. Then the instructor coached her, "That is a real person across from you, not just an object. Take a look at the real person." So she took in a deep breath, and really saw me. "You're afraid I'm going to say something mean to you." I agreed.
So, on to the Actor's Instrument class. I really enjoy this class, it's so cool to explore the connection between body, voice, and acting. Today, we learned how intention and gesture is connected to body & voice, as well as exploring how leading with different parts of our bodies while walking changed our perception of ourselves. For example, when I led with my head, I found myself very worried, almost pissed off. But when I led with my knees, I felt like Goofy. Then when I led with my stomach, I felt like a fat lazy slob who didn't give a crap about anything. This probably makes no sense to non-actors, and I can't really explain everything we learned.
After class, J. and I finally had a long talk about what happened between us on stage last Thursday. After he had called me on Saturday night, when I came in to class on Monday morning, even though he had told me everything was okay, one look in his eyes told that they were not okay yet. So I've kind of been avoiding him. But today we finally talked about it, which I'm really glad for. He also pointed out a lot of things to me just from this morning's DAW, such as I set myself up for that girl to tell me I was standing like fluff (which I was, looking back on it), he also said I called her a bitch from my head, not from my gut, my feelings. (Which when I look back, he is also right about.)
And then I was rehearsing after that with L., and we decided just to do a straight Meisner repetition to get connected, and she really saw me (or perhaps I let her really see me), and one of the things she said to me was, "You don't feel safe." And I realized that I am not allowing myself to feel safe, even though the classroom is absolutely safe. And actually, J. said something to that effect as well, that no one in the classroom was going to hurt me, or reject me. So now the challenge for me is can I allow myself to trust in the safe space, and strip myself of my protective emotional guards, and really just let myself out? I've only got a week and a few days left.
2 comments:
I was telling a friend/collegue about you on set the other day. Telling him how you are taking the Meisner and how (it seems) you are getting so much out of it. He was estatic. He has gone through the same training process, swears by it, loved (loves) it. I'm excited for you that you are having this experience and are learning so much... about being an actor, about other people.
You are inspiring me to take the class!
Hey Kat!
Thanks for the awesome comment! I love that I'm inspiring you! Makes me very happy! :P
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