The Aftermath

So, shooting the student short On The Wire on Saturday was a great experience!

First of all, I love the director, he's just the nicest guy, cheerful, fun. Very generous with his compliments, too.

I also finally got to watch the other two actors perform while I was saying my lines off camera. They're both awesome! I espcially like the choices that the actor playing Heath (the serial killer) made. (Yes, this is the same guy that my Ego-Monster had me freaking out about at the callback auditions. Yay for me getting over that!)

As for my own personal experience while filming, it was interesting. Even though the director loved what I did--the only feedback he's given me since he cast me has been things like "That was phenomenal!" I asked him once if the choices I was making were working, and he said yes, and he was afraid to talk to me about it too much in case "it broke the spell". So even though I've constantly been getting feedback like that from the director, I've still been thinking in my own head, "I can't be that good, can I?" (I know, I know, I can't win--either I believe what he's telling me and give my Ego Monster that much more power, or I'm insecure in spite of overwhelmingly positive reassurances. Yeesh.)

So, while we were shooting my part, I was 95% in the moment, listening and reacting, and there was a small part of the back of my mind aware of the camera, wondering if I was physically open to the camera, if I was looking up enough, etc, I tried to cheat myself open a little bit. But that's the director's job to let me know if what I'm doing isn't working, I have to learn to trust the director on that part. I was also aware for a moment here and there of the others watching me. There were moments when I was not completely in the moment, I was trying to craft my reactions for the camera without being dishonest or pushing the emotions, and then afterwards I worried that it would come across that I was doing that, that my reactions were too big for the camera. So then I started wondering how connected I really was to my character and the other actors and the circumstances...

But when we were done, and I was leaving, I felt a surge of lonliness and longing, I didn't want it to be over. It always surprises me, the emotional aftermath of doing a scene like this. My character, Cathy, is lonely, depressed, fat & ugly, invisible, disliked. I suppose the lonliness I felt as I left after we finished shooting meant that I was more connected than I realized, perhaps. It was weird. I felt incredibly lonely, and incredibly special at the same time. Special because of all the wonderfully warm feedback the director gave me. Between having made myself so emotionally vulnerable for the scene and recieving that wonderful, positive feedback, I totally just wanted to give the director a huge hug before I left. I didn't, I decided I shouldn't for so many reasons, but I really had to fight the urge.

Anyhow, I have no idea what my performance looked like on camera, what it will look like in the finished product. I'm really excited to see the finished film. We'll get our copy from the director on the day we perform the scene in his class. I'm holding my breath...

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Afterthoughts on being connected while shooting: Dustin Hoffman said (on Inside The Actor's Studio) "You can't feel everything all the time. You just can't." And I remember another actor (I don't remember which one, sorry) saying something like big name actors aren't always in the moment, "I guarantee it", and we as actors have to find ways to make it look as though we're connected. And then there's trusting ourselves and our instincts. I suppose for myself, the thing I need to learn is even if I'm not intellectually aware of being connected or in the moment, I need to trust that if I've done my homework, and I know who the character is--and in this case I know Cathy more intimately than I care to admit--I need to trust my instincts, trust myself, trust that the work I've done will guide me instictively, trust that there is no right or wrong, there is only being human and being honest. And so far, from the feedback I've been getting from this director, from my previous director, from my teacher at the On Camera class I audited the previous weekend, it seems I'm on the right track. I guess I just need to stop worrying and believe in myself.

But Michael Douglas (also on Inside the Actor's Studio) was asked, "Are you ever afraid that you can't do a role?" and he replied, "Yes, all the time. I finally learned to stop fighting the fear, stop fighting to not be afraid, and just accept it as part of the process."