Lost

I feel so lost at the moment, unsure. I asked for Bob Fraser's feedback on the Engrish vs Englisch video, my new headshots and my bio on Now Casting. I just got his response, and I'm waiting for his permission to post it here.

His feedback was a very hard pill to swallow. He said a lot about our video, and everything he said is fair, especially since we really rushed into filming that one very little planning.

He didn't like my bio, which is also fair, I wasn't sure if it was professional or not.

I guess the thing that hurts the most was that he didn't like most of my headshots. And that's what scares me, that I couldn't see that they aren't good enough, that they don't show any character. And between that and my crappy bio (which I have deleted until I write a new one), no wonder I'm not getting any calls for auditions.

I feel like I'm struggling to swim in the professional world with no clue of how to go about that. Even with good examples all around me, I don't seem to be able to figure out how to apply them to myself. Same thing with my acting skill, as I wrote about yesterday. I like to think that I'm a brilliantly skilled and talented actor, but the camera doesn't lie. I'm not. I could be, but I don't seem to be able to figure out how. I'm too busy worrying about getting it right. I don't commit when I should. I can't figure out objectives or follow through on them once I have finally figured them out.

I feel like I'm emotionally crippled, too. There are so many things that happen to me in life (and will happen to me in a scene), and I just don't react, I don't know how I should react. (A lot of that has to do with how I was brought up, I already know that.) But where one person's actions will anger, offend, or delight another person, I will just passively accept the action without emotional reaction at all. This worry has been lurking around at the back of my mind for quite a while now. Quite a while.

And last summer, everyone was astounded at how much I could see during the Meisner exercises. What no one really figured out though, was that I had no clue what any of what I was seeing meant most of the time. I saw it but didn't understand it.

I really don't know if I have what it takes to be a decent actor.

...I think I also feel insecure because my friend Kim is taking off like a rocket. She's got it all. She's got the looks, she's got the talent, she's got the charisma, and she's an incredibly fast learner. Her headshots are amazing, her eyes totally hook you. Everything that we've worked in together, she totally commits to her character without any difficulty, she does a great job improvising as the character, and she's completely honest and in the moment with her reactions. She is everything I want to be as an actor, but I'm struggling so much with what comes so naturally to her, so naturally to so many other actors...(Kim, please please please don't feel bad! I adore working with you, I adore watching you work, and I know with total certainty that you will make it if you continue to be persistant as you have been, and I wish with all my heart for you all the success you want and hope to achieve.)

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, since I don't have very much practical experience, outside of the classroom. Maybe I'll get better if just keep on working with our YouTube series, and real scenes, not just comedic fluff.

But that's one of the other things that bothers me, I've taken so many classes, how come I haven't learned what I need to learn? How come I don't have a better grasp on objectives, other acting tools, etc? I feel like I'm trying, and just constantly running into the wall, that I can't even see the wall! I think I'm finally going in the right direction and BAM! There's that frickin' wall again. Crap.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up, I'm just frustrated. Worried that this is it, that I won't be able to get any further than this YouTube series we're doing ourselves, because this may be the best I can do. I hope to God that I can learn to do better. Maybe I expect to much of myself for where I am in the learning curve. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be any further along than where I am, even though I feel like I should be so much farther ahead.

I feel so lost.