Feeling lost, surprisingly.

This is a long entry that isn't directly about acting, but it is connected. About a month ago, I joined a business networking group called Business Networking International (BNI) to help grow my massage business. It's a great group that consistently produces increased business for everyone involved in each chapter.

But I hadn't planned on joining a month ago. I had just barely been introduced to the group by the nutritionist who I work with, and I still had a bunch of questions about the group, the requirements involved. I was planning on waiting until after I had traveled to Germany and until after the group went through their core training, and re-opened to guests in December. But the nutritionist insisted that I come to the last Visitor’s Day meeting in October. At the time I was concerned that I didn’t have the finances to join, so an associate of hers made a large up front purchase from me to help out with that. I still had reservations about the whole thing, but the nutritionist insisted this was an opportunity I could not afford to pass up, especially with her associate offering to fund me. I was so fatigued that morning (6:45am) that I believed her and filled out an application, without having any real knowledge of what I was getting myself into, or what my responsibilities were to the rest of the group, just that it would be good for my business.

A week or two later (late October), I mentioned to our chapter's director that I was extremely frustrated and angry that I wasn't given the opportunity to really consider the decision, and that I felt my questions hadn't been adequately answered before joining. Immediately, she offered me the option to withdraw from the group without penalty, but only if I made the decision before our chapter's Grand Openening on Dec 1st. Her offer was a very rare opportunity, usually once you've joined, you cannot leave the group without penalty.

Over the last month, the more I’ve learned about my responsibilities to other members of the group, the more I’ve realized the group just isn’t a good fit for me at this time, I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate to the other members effectively. (I would need to consistently bring referrals to the other members for their businesses, and they would do the same for me.) The biggest conflict is that my massage business is currently a part-time business, which is specifically stated in member training as not a very good match for what the group intends to accomplish.

And that brings me around to the acting connection. The whole reason I learned massage therapy in the first place was to provide financial support for my acting career. I had planned from the very beginning of my massage training on working 2-3 days per week as a massage therapist, and working 2-3 days as a TV/Film extra, and have a flexible schedule to allow for auditions and filming. And I currently have that schedule, working Thurs-Sat in the nutritionist’s office, the room is only available to me on a part time basis because she uses the room for other purposes during the rest of the week. Which is exactly what I wanted.

And I’ve been thinking about finally signing up to do extra work again, especially since my massage business is starting up so slowly. The extra income from extra work could help bridge the gap, and allow me to leave more money with the business and be used to grow my business instead of paying myself. But the split schedule doesn’t work with the purpose of BNI. Especially if I’m working in LA, how many referrals can I find in Los Angeles for Orange County based businesses?

So I sent an e-mail to the group this morning, saying I was withdrawing from the group, and apologizing for letting them down. And overall, it felt like a good decision. For the first time, I allowed my "signature" on my e-mail to the group to remain undeleted, my signature being a link to this blog and the lyrics to my success song. I had been deleting it on e-mails to the group previously because it had been made clear this was a strictly business group, dedicated to growing each other’s businesses and not for social topics or hobbies or anything non-business. My acting goals fell into the non-business category. And as I allowed my signature to remain on the e-mail today, I realized that I have been hiding my heart’s desire and passion for the benefit of the group, for the benefit of my massage business. One night several years ago I had a dream, and the dream ended with a moral that I still remember: "Do not sell any part of your soul, for at the last moment, the whole shall be gone." In other words, if you sell out on even a small part of your values, you have unknowingly sold out on all of your values.

So overall, I feel like I’ve made the right choice. But now I’m beginning to panic a little bit, I have no idea how I’m going to effectively grow my massage business. I’m beginning to wonder if acting is so important to me, why I even started my own massage business in the first place. It may have been smarter for me to work in a day spa or on-call at a hospital. And the stupid thing is, a few months before I actually started my business, the nutritionist asked me what my business goals were, and I told her about the acting, and she asked me, "Wouldn’t it be better to work in a spa, considering your goals?" and I said, "No, I really want to start my own business." *sigh* Ideally, it would be really cool to have my self-employed massage business grow into a day spa or holistic health center or something, with employees working for me, so I could pursue acting full time and still have the income from my business. But at this point, I’m not sure how to get from just me working 3 days a week in someone else’s office to my own massage center, and now that I’m thinking along those lines, perhaps leaving BNI was a mistake. Although I can always find another chapter (or perhaps even the same chapter if they haven’t gotten another massage therapist yet) and rejoin later on down the road. I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting to feel this lost from the decision to leave the group.