The Magic Mirror

"The Magic Mirror shows men their innermost nature in it's reflection. Kind men find they are really cruel. Strong men discover they are weak. When confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming." --The NeverEnding Story

I was led to this mirror this morning. And all I could do was stand there, staring at what I saw, my breath caught in my throat. For the first time, I could see my behavior regarding a specific circumstance for what it truly was: Overwhelming, manipulative, needy, disrespectful, I was not taking nearly as much responsibility for myself and my emotions as I believed I was. All I could do was stand very still in the middle of that horrible realization and let it sink in. It was never my intention to be that way in these circumstances, to treat someone I care about that way.

Then I wonder what caused me to behave that way? I don't believe that it's the circumstances, because they have been completely positive from the beginning. Looking at the circumstances, there is no reason what-so-ever for me to slip into such a negative behavior pattern.

So, am I self-sabatoging then? Do I still believe deep down that I don't deserve good things, good friends who genuinely care about me in my life, so that's the behavior pattern I created to drive them away?

Is this the only way that I know how to ask for the attention I need or want, by creating drama that cannot be ignored?

Or -- and this one hurts almost too much to mention -- is it that I am too afraid to live real life, and so I create drama because I'm bored? (That is so incredibly messed up.)

And as I stand quietly, subdued, ashamed, taking in the reflection before me, it dawns on me that this is such an old behavioral habit -- I thought I'd conquered it long ago -- that I'd forgotten about it.

Knowing that helps, it gives me a sense of strength: I'm not a victim, I know how to stop this behavior, whatever it's cause.