Friday Night Performance

Ha! I do have time to write another post before I leave tomorrow! Yay!

Anyhow, for me anyway, last night's peformance was so much better than last weekend's. I felt much more connected to everything. I think I was just on overload last weekend, after 7 days 'performing' in a row (3 days run-through rehearsals, 1 dress with audience, 3 performances). I know last weekend by Saturday I was feeling like, "Aren't we done yet?" Having this last week off (Mon - Thurs) really helped.

My sister came to see the performance last Sunday, she said that maybe it's just because she knows me so well, knows my facial expressions, etc, but she could still see me acting. And frankly, looking back on it, I was just going through the motions. At the time though, it was worrying me, because a really good actor will create a real enough character that the people who know them really well forget that it is them on stage. And perhaps if I had actually done my homework, and had objectives to focus on instead of just the outward representation of a character, maybe that would have made a difference in my feeling overloaded? It's hard to say, this is my first play in a really long time, the first time I've done 7 'performances' in a row.

Anyhow, I think that is something I still need to work on, even for a farce. I still need to work on doing my homework, somehow I've gotten in the habit of not doing it, skating by without doing it, and it has somehow become a very deeply engrained habit, like I have a solid mental block against it or something, my mind starts coming up with all sorts of excuses for not doing any homework.

And I was talking to 'Judy' last week one night during rehearsal, because Suzanne is supposed to be an eager cheerful puppy-dog type friend that follows Judy around. Somehow, I haven't really gotten the "puppy-dog following Judy around" part down. 'Judy' suggested that maybe that's a character that is difficult for me, and she's right. And I know exactly why it's difficult. I used to be like that when I was younger, and there was one time I got burned for it, badly. And at some point I also realized, "What am I doing, waiting around for other people to pay attention to me?" And I realized how much it was dragging my self-esteem and self-worth down to do that. So there's that pain associated with that type of character as well. And the pain from both of those circumstances is still fairly fresh, even years later. I believe that's because I've only had a stronger sense of self-esteem for the last 3-4 years. I'm not willing to let go of it yet, even in make believe.