Saturday, Mar. 12, 2005 - 6:05 am
(Original Posting at http://irmabelle.diaryland.com)
I've started watching that new reality competition show "The Starlet"--I wasn't sure I wanted to watch it at first, figured it would be crap, but it is actually very much in line with everything I've learned about Hollywood so far.
Watching these young women struggle with the different elements required to be a good actor (looks aren't good enough), again has me questioning myself and my own abilities. (I'll write more comments and thoughts about the show episodes in another entry later).
I've been watching myself lately, and I continually ask myself, "Why do I want to act?" I've obviously been too afraid to pursue acting in any other form than classes. And I've been afraid to live my own life fully as well. I've always spent so much time at home; Until recently, I had very few friends. I'm afraid of life, afraid of experiences I don't have any control over, experiences that don't fit the neat little life script I've got in my head. Afraid of people who don't act according to my expectations. And that's just about everybody. I haven't really ever been in love, I've only had two boyfriends in my life, and neither relationship was happy or healthy. And yeah, I've done a lot of personal growth since then, dealt with most of my baggage and issues, but I still hide. I am still content to hide from life. How the hell can I even imagine that I would be or could be a good actor?? So I need to know, *Why do I want to be an actor??*
The answer I've been giving myself up until now is that I've always preferred imaginary adventure to real life. As a child, I never played house or any of those boring games, it was always "Let's Pretend..." I've always had an active imagination. I used to (and still do sometimes, actually, LOL) perform pieces of musicals, plays or films that I love. (These days, it's usually for myself, when I'm alone, I don't like showing off at all.) I can remember wanting to be an actor when I was in junior high school for a while, but I was way to shy to join any performing groups. Plus, I've also always enjoyed psychological analysis, trying to figure out why people act the way they do. So in that sense, acting is a very good fit for me. But that still didn't answer the question fully for me: *Why do I want to act?* If I really want to be an actor, why am I letting my fears stop me? What does being an actor mean to me?
I know I still need to get to know myself even better, just get extremely honest and detailed. Perhaps there are aspects of myself I still haven't accepted yet.
I've just realized that watching these TV shows (Inside the Actor's Studio, The Starlet) and reading these books, this is my way of discovering what it means to be an artist. Cori's current boyfriend is currently enrolled in a 2 year acting program in LA (God, I'd love to go, but I can't spend another 2 years in school full time), but he said the whole first sememster is about learning what it means to be an artist.
Another question: Does acting meet my core values? I've questioned that a lot lately too, I know I value stability, a quiet life, a home close to nature--and a career in Hollywood doesn't even come close to offering that: constant auditioning, constant rejection, constant judgement of who you are, being told you're not pretty enough, young enough, thin enough, talented enough...Sometimes I think a better life choice for me would be to move to Colorado, focus on my massage career, and participate in a local theater as a hobby. (I lived in CO for 6 months back in 1997, I loved it there!) But I know inside that that's the safe choice. That choice doesn't excite me or scare me the way the thought of acting in TV and Film does. And I've heard it said that if a goal or dream doesn't scare the crap out of you, then it doesn't really mean anything to you.
Another thought that pops into my head is I find real life disappointing and boring a lot of times. Do I want to act because it has to be more exciting than my real life? And do I love acting? If I do, it should be a joy, but a lot of times I'm so scared, it's more torture than fun. The reality of auditioning, performing is so scary to me...BUT, I remember I was scared to death the first few times I was on the set doing background work as well. Then I got the hang of it, and I wasn't scared anymore. Maybe I just need to get over that first hurdle of fear by auditioning for and performing in a few plays: Step out of the kiddie's wading pool (ie acting classes) into the ocean and actually start swimming...
I do crave the excitement that acting can provide: Acting allows me to experience so many things in life that I wouldn't get to experience otherwise, and I just realized, I can experience those things in a safe controlled environment, I know how the script goes, how the story ends. Everything in acting is important and has a purpose, the character has a journey to go on, goals to achieve--sometimes real life seems to lack those qualities: lacks excitement, purpose, ultimate goals. In real life if your goal is to climb a mountain, once you get to the mountain top, then what? You climb down the mountain, and find another one to climb, and you do that over and over until you die, there's never any real closure. With acting there's always closure. You know what you're aiming for, you know when you've gotten there, you receive gratification for having gotten there (which you don't always in life) and then you begin a new project.
Perhaps the deal with real life is, for me, if there's no one there to care if I reach a goal (climb a mountain) except me, then what's the point? I go through the hard work to get to the top, and then no one notices, no one cares. With acting there are so many people involved, the cast, crew, audience, and they all care. With massage, my clients care. I receive gratification from doing a good job. With acting I will receive gratification for doing a good job. I will live many more exciting lives, experience life from so many different perspectives, have many different, wonderful (and some not so wonderful) adventures, more than I could possibly have in real life.
Perhaps through acting, I will learn to live my own life more fully--instead of the other way around, feeling the need to live my own life more fully before I can act--and perhaps that's two halves of the yin & yang, both areas grow simulatneously, stimulate growth in the other area, the circle of life, acting growth spurs personal growth/real living spurs acting growth. The Zen of Acting...Acting has so many different aspects: Zen, Science, Creativity. Zen is personal growth which nurtures the Spirit. Science is character/script anaylsis which nurtures the logical Mind. Creativity is self-expression which nurtures Emotional fulfillment & Spirit. Which are three of the four elements of feeling balanced, nurtured, and whole.
And you HAVE to feel alive deep inside to act, it's too easy to slip into a place of not caring, not living, in real life. Maybe that's another draw of acting for me. I need to feel alive, and so much of the time I don't in real life.
Hum, lots to think about there...acting as a way of avoiding reality or learning to embrace it?
2 comments:
what you said struck a chord in me: "if a goal or dream doesn't scare the crap out of you, then it doesn't really mean anything to you." and i thank you for that. i'm studying theatre too and i've been feeling really down about my path lately. i was consumed in a lot of fear. after reading what you said, it made me realise that... maybe this isn't the wrong path after all. the fact i'm in misery is because i care a lot about becoming and being an actor, or maybe it's merely because i judge myself too much. which is a big no-no for a good actor. you also mentioned how you love acting possibly due to an "escapist" mindset. leaving your sometimes aimless world to jump into a more fulfilling (although imaginary) one. i read from a book ("The Lucid Body, A Guide for the Physical Actor" by Fay Simpson) : "There is something about stepping outside of our own skin that makes us want to do it again and again. The truth is, we aren't stepping out of anything. We are reaching deeper inside or ourselves and expressing parts of self that have been dormant." My point is, maybe our own literal self, body and mind, is not so boring after all. That we are so capable; that we have so much of everything inside. So, we like acting because it provides scenarios to tap into our everything and anything? we can tap into the things that we force to switch off in the face of societal norms as we live in the world outside the stage. thank you for your post. It was nice food for thought. definitely edible :)
your statement left a big impression on me: "if a goal or dream doesn't scare the crap out of you, then it doesn't really mean anything to you." Thank you.
you see, I am currently studying acting (mainly theatre) as well but have been living in misery lately. Probably because I judge myself too much - which is a big no-no for a good actor.
your statement made me realise that feeling stressed out about my chosen path simply shows i do care a lot about becoming and being an actor. it gave me at least a little assurance that i can and should continue down this messy road.
also, you mentioned about your loving acting possibly because it makes you jump out of your sometimes aimless life and into a clearer, more exciting one.
i read in a book ("The Lucid Body, A Guide to the Physical Actor" by Fay Simpson") : "There is something about stepping out of our own skin that makes us want to do it again and again. The truth is, we aren't stepping out of anything. We are reaching deeper inside of ourselves and expressing parts of self that have been dormant."
so, maybe we love acting not due to an "escapist mindset" but because we are learning and appreciating ourselves better, while we tap into the everything/anything inside us that's often switched off in the face of societal norms. what are the extremes we can go to as we're placed in scripted dramatic circumstances that pushes these characters we play? do we even have to go to extremes? maybe a little bit is enough to give a realistic but impactful scene.
it has been delightful reading your ideas. thank you for the food for thought. it was definitely edible :)
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