Thoughts on Sean Astin's book

Friday, Feb. 18, 2005 - 6:10 am

(Original Posting at http://irmabelle.diaryland.com)

Okay, don't quite understand why I'm up so early, I went to bed at 11:45pm, woke up at 4:30am, and couldn't get back to sleep. Anyhow...

I just finished reading Sean Astin's book: "There And Back Again: An Actor's Tale". For those of you who may not know who Sean Astin is, at this point, he's most well known for playing Samwise Gamgee (Sam) in the Lord Of The Rings (LOTR) trilogy. Previous movies he's well known for are "The Goonies" (when he was 12) and "Rudy".

"There And Back Again" is mostly about his experiences on the making of LOTR, but is strikingly lacking on specific stories from the set. It's mostly about his perceptions about that movie-making process, his emotional experiences on that movie, and his career in general. He is extremely honest in this book about his emotional experiences, but it's somewhat disturbing because most of them are negative, depressed, insecure, and selfishly egotistical. But, by the same token, he's completely aware of that, (and that those experiences make him a whiner and an ass, even to those he loves sometimes) and he takes full responsibility for creating his own reality, he never blames anyone else for causing him to spiral downward into negativity. I think it was courageous of him to write so honestly about his feelings.

This book has also gotten me thinking about myself, and what I really want to accomplish in Hollywood, and who I'll become. I know that a lot of the emotional issues Astin writes about in his book, I have dealt with myself, just in everyday life, never mind being on a movie set. But I've also been working very hard to overcome those issues, and my self-esteem is so much higher now than it used to be. (Although I still feel there's room for improvement.)

So, I ask myself, is stepping into the sea of sharks that is Hollywood what I really want, is it really good for me? Am I really strong enough to withstand EVERYONE telling me I need to be different, better, thinner, more fashionable, whatever, than who I am?

The other issue touched on in the first four chapters of the book are Astin's career as mostly a "B" movie actor, with the occasional supporting role in a good movie. (The high point of his career being his nearly-Oscar-nominated performance as Sam in "LOTR: The Return of the King") His discontent with his place as a mostly "B" movie actor cause me to question myself more closely.

What do I really want out of a Hollywood career? If it turns out that I am only a "B" movie actress, will I be content with that? So many times, I've envisioned myself in the ranks with the best actors, the ones who get invited on "Inside The Actor's Studio", the ones who get nominated for the awards, the ones who work with all the other great actors and directors. BTW, Sean Astin has also worked with a number of great actors and directors, just not as a leading man or a main character. Which taught me that working with greatness doesn't necessarily mean you've got it made, which is sometimes the message I perceive from all these stars on the Actor's Studio who work with great actors and directors from the beginning of their career.

Anyhow, I've always envisioned myself on par with the great actors. BUT...but.... First thing: I asked my acting teacher about my skill level. "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being an Oscar/Tony award winning performance, where is my skill level? I know I have a lot to learn still, and I want to be at a very minimum at a level 7, preferrably an 8 or higher." She said unhesitatingly, "Less than a 5." She went on to explain that it's mostly because I lack versatility at this point. Playing a role within my comfort zone I've got down pat. But I need to be able to stretch a lot more than I do.

Which brings us to #2: Fear. I'm afraid of the characters outside my comfort zone. Hell, I'm afraid of life and relationships in general, how the hell can I be an actor? How the hell can I weather the hardships of Hollywood?

But, I've heard it said, that if a goal doesn't scare the crap out of you, it isn't worth doing.

Also, Michael Douglas was asked on Inside the Actor's Studio if he was ever afraid of any of his roles, afraid that he didn't have what it would take to play it successfully. He replied, "All the time." But, he learned that rather than fighting the fear, fighting to not be afraid, it was better to simply accept the fear as part of the process.

Much easier said than done, in my opinion.

Anyhow, going back to the main question, what do I want out of my career in Hollywood?

I never wanted to be famous, because I don't want the spotlight, the gossip and paparrazzi. But I do want to be respected by the industry for my skill and my conduct on set. (Oh, boy,that's another thing...conduct on the set...we'll get back to that in a moment.) If it turns out that I'm only good enough for "B" movies, and the occasional supporting/cameo role in "A" movies, will that really and truly make me happy? Will that fulfill my ambition?I know I was happy just being an extra, being on the set, being a part of whatever scene was being filmed, even if I didn't get any camera time. (Which most of the time I didn't.) If I don't want the fame, then perhaps being a "B" movie actor is just the right place for me. Perhaps that is a better match for my skill level. I do intend to take more classes, so my skill level will increase, but if I'm at less than a 5 right now, what's the most I can achieve? Can I get myself up to that 7 or 8 or higher?

And now, going back to conduct on the set: I think it was in my acting for the camera class, our teacher talked about how we act when we're stressed and tired. When working on a movie, you can be on the set 12 hours or more per day as an actor. (The crew is there several more hours before and after.) When you are working, you will be tired, you will be stressed. Everyone on the set will see the worst of you at some point. This is why some actors get a reputation for being "difficult" or mean. (And actually, Astin's book is the perfect example of this. Not that he's difficult or mean when he's on the set, but for him insecurity, discontent, and depression come bubbling to the surface when he's stressed and fatigued.) This is something that worries me as well, because I know I don't function well when I'm fatigued. Sometimes it manifests as if I'm a zombie. Sometimes it manifests as goofiness, almost drunkeness. And sometimes, it manifests as crankiness. I know I don't always think straight, I tend to get pissed off easily and snap at people, and under extreme fatigue, I begin to feel the depression that I spent so many years pulling myself out of.

So that's another factor to consider when thinking about this whole Hollywood career thing.
At this point I'm not choosing to walk away or give up, I'm just looking very close and hard at my choice, find out if I can honestly accept the terms under which my choice will play out.