Contemplation

I disappeared on you all again, I'm so sorry. But I haven't been doing much acting-wise. I haven't been submitting lately because I can't afford the gas to drive to LA right now, or to take the time off work. And maybe that's okay since there's not much going on in the movie production business right now because of the SAG contract negotiations.

Inside, in my heart, I'm pining to work on a film. I want it so badly I can feel it in my bones, and sometimes it makes me want to cry. To get a paid supporting or leading role in a big budget film.

I've finally allowed myself to accept that I have enough skill/talent to play with the big kids. And I've also realized that as often as it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels, stalling out, and not getting anywhere in this business, or that I'm not doing as much work to move my career forward as I could be, I still have been in 4 student films in the last 12 months. I have enough material for my reel now. I have an IMDb page. There is forward progress being made.

I've also been pondering over my decision to move so far away from LA. As much as I am passionate about being an actor, forging a career in TV and film, there's also a very strong need to feel financially secure. To have that steady income. It seems like to seriously pursue an acting career, you kind of need to give that up. Be willing to take temporary day jobs, and then look for a new one when you get fired or quit the old one because it conflicts with the shoot dates of the film you just got cast in. You have to be willing to pour all your extra money you earn into marketing yourself with no guarantee of a good return rate (and the majority of the time it isn't a good return rate.) You have to be willing to live an unsteady life, to drop everything at the drop of a hat to go to an audition or to take a job. It's a crazy lifestyle. And you have to be willing to live this way as long as it takes for you to get where you want to go in the business.

So I'm torn. I don't like living a crazy lifestyle. I like steady and secure. And yet... my heart and bones and spirit are aching to be a part of the magic of making a film or a TV show.

But maybe that's just a story I'm telling myself. I've managed to live a steady lifestyle so far for the most part and still make forward progress in my career. BUT I also know that I haven't reached a professional level yet. Still don't have an agent, still non-union, still auditioning for mostly low-budget un-paid independents and student films. I think everything will change topsy turvy when I get to the next level.

So, I'm in stasis for the time being. Random thought: I was watching a show about Heath Ledger's career. He was so uncomfortable being famous. And I was thinking, "He had to have been aware of what that lifestyle brings, be prepared for it to some extent, know what the paparazzi are like, etc." But then I realize, being aware of it, knowing about it, is not even close to actually living it, experiencing it.